


Take Me To Church

by chelecheese



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholic John Winchester, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blasphemy, Blow Jobs, Dead Mary Winchester, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, M/M, Naomi is Castiel's Parent (Supernatural), Not Beta Read, Referenced OC infant death from natural causes, Religious Discussion, Smut, Specifically Catholicism, Title from a Hozier Song, church, mentioned minor oc character death, so read at your own risk, so theres that, they literally fuck in a church, this paints religion in a bad light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:01:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24921976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelecheese/pseuds/chelecheese
Summary: READ TAGS AND NOTES BEFORE STARTINGDean Winchester hasn't been to church in years - and for good reason. He's pretty bitter about religion as a whole, but when he goes to mass with Cas' family, it stirs up a lot of feelings he'd been trying to hide.Can Cas help his boyfriend heal? And how?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 28





	Take Me To Church

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ TAGS AND NOTES. 
> 
> This fic does not paint Christianity, specifically Catholicism, in a positive light. If that might bother or offend you, you might want to skip this. My intention is not to offend anyone - writing this was therapeutic for me, as everything Dean goes through with regards to religion is verbatim my experience. Heed the tags and be safe guys, there's lots of triggering topics in here.
> 
> This fic has not yet been Beta'd, if you find mistakes or would like to beta, please let me know in the comments.

Dean could do this.

It wasn’t a big deal, really. It was what? Two hours max? Dean could totally do this.

Especially for the man he loved.

Because Dean Winchester _was_ , in fact, hopelessly in love - but he’d have to freak out about that later - one panic attack at a time.

Shit.

He was panicking: sweating, jittery, his collar was too tight - not to mention his chest.

“Breathe”, Cas’ calm deep voice flooded his senses and he shut his eyes to focus on doing what he’d been told. A few deep breaths later, he was still nervous, but better and he desperately wished he could hold his boyfriend’s hand.

“Sorry”, Dean said softly, “haven’t been in a while, you know?”

Cas tilted his head and watched Dean thoughtfully in that way that always made Dean feel like his mind was being read. Dean swallowed thickly under the gaze and was glad when Cas’ mother, Naomi, started ushering everyone inside the church.

“Relax bro”, Gabriel whispered cheekily to Dean, slapping him on the back, “I’m like, 90% sure you won’t burst into flames.”

Cas scowled at Gabriel as he walked off with a shit eating grin, but Dean was sort of appreciative of Gabe’s perpetual good mood in this moment.

Another deep breath – he could do this.

———

He could do it – but just barely.

He sat at the end of the pew with Cas beside him; desperately blinking back tears the whole mass.

He walked to accept communion on shaky legs and when he took his sip of the wine, it tasted like poison and burned all the way down into his chest.

The hardest part of the whole ordeal was the realization of his own damn feelings.

He’d been avoiding church for years, hating religion and furious with “God”.

But sitting here today, trying not to cry, ironically praying his knees would carry him, he realized under all that anger was something much worse: pain. Devastation, sadness, and endless pain.

Anger was something Dean could handle, but he had no idea what to do with all of this – and it was terrifying.

Suddenly, mass was over, and he was cutting through the swarm of people to get out as quickly as possible, only slowing when he was a few feet from Baby in the parking lot.

“Dean!”

Dean turned around; surprised his boyfriend had followed him. He could see the concern and borderline fear swirling in Cas’ beautiful blue eyes, and his chest ached all over again.

“Look Cas, I gotta go okay? Something is uh - something’s wrong with Sammy.”

Dean felt terrible lying to Cas, but he needed to sort out his own thoughts before he could dump them on someone else. He could tell by the hurt in Cas’ eyes that he knew it was a lie. He ducked his head and started to go to the car.

“Did I hear him say something’s wrong with Sam?”

Gabriel had materialized out of nowhere at the mention of his little brother, but that was another thing Dean would have to push off until later.

As he pulled Baby out of the parking spot, he saw Cas with a firm grip on Gabe’s arm, probably informing him of Dean’s lies.

Fuck.

He couldn’t keep his shit together for one fucking church service. Not even for Cas. What the fuck was wrong with him?

————

**Cas 12:47pm** : Dean what’s wrong?

**Cas 3:20pm** : Are you okay?

**Cas 7:56pm** : Please talk to me baby.

**Dean 8:02pm** : Im sorry I just need some time to deal with this

**Cas 8:03pm** : Deal with what Dean? Maybe I can help?

**Cas 11:34pm** : Fine. Let me know when you’re ready to talk then. Goodnight Dean.

Dean looked down at his phone and the tears welled up in his eyes again. Would he ever stop fucking crying?

———

It was Thursday and Dean was driving too fast through town, trying and failing to distract himself from his own thoughts.

He hadn’t talked to Cas since Sunday and it was killing him.

What would he even say?

‘Hey sorry your boyfriend is a gigantic train-wreck who’s been fucked over by religion and can’t get over it’

Yeah, cause that would go over well.

But before his brain caught up with his body he was parked outside of his boyfriend’s place.

**Dean 8:56pm** : Come outside?

And not even two minutes later Cas was climbing into the Impala. He turned to Dean and stared at him expectantly, his eyes piercing right through all of Dean’s walls.

He surged forward and kissed Cas. Hands cupping his cheeks, he tried to tell Cas how sorry he was, how much he loved him, all through that kiss.

When they pulled apart, Cas brought his hands up to Deans, and removed them from his face so he could hold them in his lap.

“Dean, what happened?”, Cas asked carefully, like he was afraid Dean would run somehow.

“I’m sorry Cas I - I wasn’t - I couldn’t - I still don’t know how to explain...”, Dean trailed off, trying to get his thoughts together.

“Can I take you somewhere?”, Dean asked, squeezing Cas’ hand.

“Of course Dean.”

———

Dean heard Cas’ breath hitch when they pulled into the parking lot of Dean’s childhood church.

It was a large church, especially for their town, with a huge steeple whose bell could be heard for miles.

Dean kept a death grip on Cas’ hand as they walked toward the front doors. All the doors were a dark wood, almost coffee colored, with heavy decorative metal handles.

Taking one last deep breath, he opened the door and led Cas inside.

If anyone thought the outside of the church looked nice, they had another thing coming once they were inside.

The whole place was made out of a smooth cream colored stone, the floors were made of stone with the same cream color - but a rough texture - and they sparkled in the light. Anything made of wood was that same coffee color, and everything looked rich and exquisite.

They walked silently into the chapel, and Dean heard Cas gasp at the site. A beautiful organ covered the entire back wall, and a platform made of gray granite housed the gold alter and the chairs in which the priest and deacon sat. Above the alter hung a cross, Jesus hanging from it by his hands and feet, Mary & Joseph looking up at their dead son. The ceilings were split in two levels: below and above a row of stained glass windows. The ones below were painted a deep red, the ones above sloped upwards seemingly going on forever, and were painted a dark teal color. Light fixtures hung down everywhere, black outlining the white shapes the lights poured from. Rows and rows of dark pews spread from the middle of the room outwards, each one slightly bigger than the last. The stained glass windows on the walls behind the pews told the story of Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection.

It was all just like Dean remembered. The most beautiful and terrifying place Dean had ever been. His knees almost buckled taking it all in for the first time in years, but Cas caught him and led him to the nearest pew.

Cas held Dean tightly while he cried, one hand running through Dean’s hair as he whispered comforting nonsense to him. When Dean had finally cried himself out he sat up took the Kleenex Cas offered him, wiping his eyes and nose.

Dean was immensely grateful nobody else was here to see him like this; Cas seeing him break down was embarrassing enough.

“Dean, what is this place to you?”, Cas asked softly, no judgement at all in his face.

“It’s uh, the church I grew up going to.”

Cas nodded, looking around again.

“It’s beautiful Dean.”

“Ha. Yeah, yeah it is”, Dean still wasn’t sure how to explain all this, but fuck it, maybe Cas could make sense of this jumbled mess, “I haven’t been here since high school, walked out after youth group one day and haven’t been to any church again until last Sunday, with you.”

Cas looked startled and a bit pale, “You never said anything about church... I didn’t realize...”

Dean snapped his head up to look Cas in the eyes, “Hey, no, look, we’ve never discussed religion because I’m pretty good at avoiding the topic okay? And when your mom asked me to come to church with you guys, I knew how important it was to her and to you, so I thought I could do it.”

Cas sighed and looked down at his lap for a while before speaking again.

“You’ve had bad experiences”, Cas stated, slowly meeting Dean’s eyes again.

Dean sighed, “When I was little, mom loved going to church, she’d dress us all up and tell me if I was extra good, we’d go for pancakes after. She loved to tell us stories about angels, about God and his love.”

Dean smiled and closed his eyes, picturing his mother’s smile, warm and loving, before he continued.

“After she was gone, dad kept taking us; I think he felt like he owed her that, even though he was too bitter to believe himself anymore. We grew up going to Religious Education classes here every Wednesday, Vacation Bible School in the summers, and mass every Sunday and holiday. It was a constant in our lives.”

Cas watched Dean intently, nodding along, and scooted closer to Dean in the pew. Dean watched as Cas reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers before he gently asked, “What happened?”

Dean laughed, but it was hollow and sad.

“After 8th grade, there’s no more Religious Ed, but they have a youth group for high schoolers, so I went to that. One day, they start out the meeting talking about how ‘nobody knows what God wants’ and how we can’t know for sure who he sends to Heaven & Hell, and I’m thinking, ‘yeah okay I can get with that’, right? Then the leader says that for all we know, Hitler could be in Heaven, having tea with Jesus.”

Cas laughed, actually laughed, and Dean cracked a smile.

“Seriously? Jesus and Hitler? Having tea in Heaven? They said that?”

“I shit you not Cas, it was quite the image”, Dean said, his eyes going far away in the memory.

Cas scoffed, “Okay, and after that?”

Dean’s face twisted up, a storm brewed in his eyes, and he steeled himself for what he had to say next.

“After that they... they were reading out of this book, something other than the bible, I don’t know, but they started talking about self-harm and suicide. I guess the Catholic religion believes that if you hurt yourself, or kill yourself, you go to hell, regardless of the rest of your life. That’s what they said at least.”

Dean fought back the tears again and cleared his throat. He could barely stand to see the concern in Cas’ eyes but he knew he had to look at his boyfriend to admit this.

“I used to hurt myself Cas”, Dean whispered, watching his boyfriend’s face crumble, “and for a long time I just wanted to die.”

This time it was Cas who fell into Dean’s arms, clinging tightly to his boyfriend as if he might disappear if he let go. It was only when Dean noticed Cas’ shoulders were shaking that he realized Cas was crying.

“Hey, Cas, no, don’t cry sweetheart”, Dean whispered into raven hair, holding Cas just as tightly, “it’s okay, I’m okay now I swear.”

It took a few minutes for them both to calm down, and Dean wiped his cheeks again.

“I’m so sorry”, Cas said when he finally extricated himself from Dean.

“I’m not”, Dean said, and he meant it, “Sammy doesn’t know it, but he saved me. Anytime I really wanted to - well, I thought about him and how he needed me and I couldn’t leave him. I know it sounds cheesy as shit Cas, but if I hadn’t gone through all that, I wouldn’t be who I am now.”

Cas just smiled at him, a small and precious thing, like he was proud of Dean.

“Anyway. I didn’t want to believe it, so I stayed late to talk to the group leaders. Asked them about the stuff they said, I even told them about my... issues. They told me I was going to Hell. They were real polite about it, but still. I stormed out of there, and the more I thought about it the angrier I got. They said they didn’t know what God wants and then told us they did. They said they didn’t know who went to Heaven, then told me I was going to Hell. And they obviously needed a history lesson, because if Hitler wasn’t in Hell for killing millions of people, he was there for killing himself! How fucked up is that?!”

Dean was shouting now, fuming. He was sure his face was red, and he wouldn’t have been surprised if steam came out of his ears. After all this time it still made him so angry, but he slumped down with a sigh after a minute.

“That’s all bullshit”, Cas stated firmly.

Dean looked over at Cas in surprise; his boyfriend normally wasn’t one for cussing. He could see by the set of Cas’ jaw that he was angry, but he nodded at Dean to continue, so he did.

“When I went home, I told dad we weren’t going to church anymore. Never again. I told him they had fucked up views, and he just laughed at me. He said ‘took ya long enough to figure that one out boy’. He was drunk of course, and he didn’t ask why I was upset. But he did tell me about his sister, my Aunt Mandy. She died before I was born. I never knew what happened to her, but he was drunk enough to tell me that night.”

Dean sighed again and his eyes glazed over. He tightened his hold and rubbed his thumb back and forth on the back of Cas’ hand.

“I guess she got pregnant, and she was really excited for the baby. There were some complications though, and when it was born it was really sick. It lived 8 days and then died. She was devastated. Looking for support, she went to her Catholic church and talked to a priest. He told her that since the baby had never been baptized and therefore cleansed of its ‘original sin’, the soul of her 8 day old baby was eternally rotting in Hell.”

“No...”, Cas whispered, laying his head on Dean’s shoulder with a look of pain on his face.

“Yeah. Can you imagine? I mean even if you believed that - how could you say that to somebody? She never recovered. Drank and drank until it killed her one day...”, Dean trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

“I’m sorry Dean”, Cas said again. Dean just smiled at him sadly.

“Anyway, that’s why I’ve been angry with the church, with religion, and with God for so long. I didn’t realize until I was sitting in church with your family that it was more pain than anger. I - I’m sorry I freaked out Cas, I’m sorry I ran.”

“It’s okay Dean, trust me, I understand now. I’m just sorry you felt like you had to go. I don’t care, Dean, however you feel about God & religion, it doesn’t matter to me. Beliefs are very personal things”, Cas said, understanding in his eyes.

“Really?”, Dean asked, hope blooming that this wasn’t going to ruin everything, “What do you believe Cas?”

Cas laughed, “Well, I believe in God, some kind of higher power or creator, though I don’t think God is some assbutt with merciless rules for everyone.”

Dean shook his head and let out a small laugh, smiling fondly at the use of his boyfriend’s favorite insult.

Cas paused and glared for a second, with no real heat behind it, before continuing, “I don’t believe in Hell, and I don’t know about Heaven, but I believe in reincarnation; that our energy transfers from one body to the next, never truly created or destroyed, just like science says. Other than that, I don’t really know.”

Cas shrugged, an amused expression on his face, “I don’t mind going to church with mom, seeing as she likes it so much. I find it’s a good place to people watch, and religion is interesting to me in an intellectual way. I certainly don’t care what others believe or think though, it doesn’t matter to me.”

He finished that thought with a pointed look at Dean, and Dean smiled with relief, knowing that whatever he felt would be okay with Cas.

“You’re so beautiful Cas, inside and out”, Dean whispered, smiling still.

Cas blushed furiously but didn’t drop his gaze from Dean.

“It makes me so mad”, Dean continued, “that they think there’s something wrong with us; that they’ll never see how great we are, how great our love is. That ‘God’ supposedly hates us. Doesn’t that make you angry Cas?”

Dean genuinely searched for an answer in Cas’ eyes, but found no anger or sadness in them at all. Cas moved even closer, settling in Dean’s lap, before cupping his cheeks and answering.

“No. Because I know they’re all wrong. This - us - is the purest thing in life. And when we’re together, when you’re inside me, that’s when I feel most connected to the universe. I know in those moments that whatever made us, doesn’t believe our love is wrong.”

Dean was, once again, amazed by the man he loved. That his mind worked in such wonderful ways, that he felt things so deeply - Dean was breathless with emotion for him.

“Jesus, Cas...”, Dean said, quickly capturing his boyfriend’s soft mouth.

They kissed like each other were oxygen, like they’d die if they didn’t. Hands tangled in hair, tongues sliding together, teeth nipping at lips - they kissed like they needed this, because they did.

When they finally pulled apart, chests heaving, Dean whispered, “Let’s get out of here.”

Cas just shook his head and grabbed Dean’s hand. Dean followed in confusion as Cas lead them up the steps of the platform to the rug which lay behind the alter. Cas knelt on the rug and stared up at Dean through his dark lashes.

“Let’s do it right here. Make love to me Dean, here, in God’s house; let’s show Him how beautiful we are together.”

Dean held Cas’ face with one hand and shuddered, just barely whispering “fuck”, before nodding down at Cas.

Cas quickly undid Dean’s belt & jeans, freeing his hardened cock from his boxers. He licked his way from base to head before taking Dean slowly into his mouth. Cas was warm and wet and fucking holy, and Dean had to grab onto the alter for support to hold himself up. He threaded the fingers of his other hand through his boyfriend’s dark hair and watched with amazement as Cas sucked him, hollowing his cheeks and swallowing Dean whole. Cas’ tongue swirled around the head and flicked the underside and Dean was reduced to uttering obscenities like they were a prayer.

After a while he pulled Cas off, knowing he wouldn’t be able to last much longer, and knelt on the rug in front of Cas before pulling him into a kiss. He could taste the salt of himself on Cas’ tongue and the thought drove him insane. He unbuttoned Cas’ shirt and spread his hands over the warm skin, reveling in how real and whole and wonderful Cas was. He pulled away from Cas’ lips to suck and bite his way down Cas’ neck and to his chest, where he took one nipple in his mouth and teased and sucked, eliciting moans of pleasure from Cas.

“Dean, please, I want you”, Cas said, shivering at Dean’s touch.

He laid Cas down gently and undid his pants, pulling off his shoes, pants, & boxers and taking a minute to soak in the sight of Cas’ beautiful skin. When he dug in his jacket pocket and found a travel size bottle of lube, he wondered if God really did want them here. He kissed Cas gently, lovingly, and squirted lube on his fingers to start to open him up. When he pulled away, Cas opened his legs and nodded. Dean slowly felt his way around his rim and gently pushed one finger inside. Cas sucked in a breath and bit his lip, prompting Dean to work in further. He worked Cas open slowly, one finger at a time, occasionally pressing kisses to Cas’ stomach as he went.

It felt so right to be here, doing this, as if they were righting something wrong with the world just by making love.

Finally Cas was ready, and Dean lubed himself up and began to press in. Cas held onto Dean’s shoulders like they were a lifeline, begging Dean for more. As soon as Dean was all the way in he dropped his head to Cas’ shoulder, overwhelmed by the feeling of being inside Cas. They moved together, Cas rolling his hips and Dean pumping in and out, moaning each other’s names and kissing every so often as they went.

As Dean stared into Cas’ crystal blue eyes he was hit by how much he loved this man. He felt like his anger and pain was melting away with every moment – he’d never felt so right in his life.

“I love you”, Dean said, picking up the pace and reaching down between them to touch Cas.

“I love you”, Cas whispered back, breathless as Dean worked him.

Soon Cas was throwing his head back, his eyes rolling back as his breath quickened. Dean tightened his hold and jerked his hand in longer quicker movements, and Cas came with a cry, gasping and arching into Dean. Dean let himself go too, thrusting hard and fast as he chased his own release and spilled into Cas while crying out his name.

Dean rolled over to lie next to Cas and catch his breath.

“Holy fuck”, Dean panted.

“Holy indeed”, Cas smiled.

They quickly cleaned themselves with Dean’s jacket & redressed (minus said jacket of course), before basically running to the car. They climbed into the back and held each other, running hands through hair and just breathing, just being.

“I can’t believe we just did that”, Dean laughed, shaking his head.

“It felt right though, didn’t it?”, Cas asked with a shy smile.

“Yeah sweetheart”, Dean said, kissing Cas’ forehead, “it really did. Although now I might have a very different problem next time I walk into a church...”

They both burst into laughter and Cas relaxed into Dean’s arms.

Cas.

His beautiful boyfriend, his love, who’d heard so much and just listened, just loved him through it all tonight. Castiel, named after the angel of Thursday, who’d become Dean’s very own angel tonight.


End file.
